Experiences of the Dissolution (Bhanga) Process - Part 1 of 3

I remember a number of years ago, you.

Went through experiences of flow that were not like a massage. They were more like a beating.

Yes.

I had sort of left spiritual practice for many years I've had bad experiences with other teachers. An I said no more teachers. No more gurus, no more techniques.

I'm going to let life be my teacher and I had many friends at that time who were students of yours. And they were saying, very positive things about you and I said, Yeah, whatever, so I ended up coming up to one of your retreats in 2006. I had good experiences with you, you showed lots of techniques. You reactivated my desire to Meditate, an nothing particular happened on that retreat. I was getting used to the pain of sitting.

For long periods of time I was practicing your techniques and then I went home and I thought home. That's all very interesting and that was a pleasant experience, in general.

And then about 2 three weeks later.

Something started to happen, something started to happen in my solar plexus area where there were ways and impulses an knowing sensations. An incredible terrors and I started reliving.

Terrors from my childhood and I started.

Having very chaotic feeling but I felt like I was just.

Going crazy.

Friends said that I should call you, you were able to walk me through it, and ask specific questions.

And we were able to isolate the sensations, and you actually said that this was a positive experience.

And it was a type of purification and it was a type of dissolution and I gave you the pollywood you got. You said that pleased my ego, a little bit that gave me some pleasant feel Oh, I guess something good is happening.

But the experience itself was still so frightening to me because it was so, so disorienting.

Description I have now is like there's like a jazz drummer on speed.

Living in my Taurus am going and it felt like a Jim Carrey movie where there was like Paul pounding and twisting and morphing and tingling and just completely incoherent thoughts terrors.

Even things didn't look familiar anymore. I kind of have to keep looking at my hands and I say, These are my hands where am I and I would actually hide in my apartment at home because I was so frightened.

And we spent a fair bit of time together an you said that this was an experience of.

The dissolving of an old self.

I've heard People talk about it before and it's always different when it happens to you personally. My standard phrases. You read the book now you're going to have to live the movie.

Ann.

And so many so many things about the spiritual path that I had read about started happening after that, and I would never have imagined.

What the experience of that was you know from the inside it's so different that when you read about it and then it starts happening it was frightening.

It really was frightening.

And it was very disorienting and it's been.

Almost 3 years since that's happened that still comes in goals and it's now a bit. I'm a bit more familiar with it just a just a few hours ago on the retreat I had another.

Hum.

Wave of it.

Where I was having like these very?

Primordial terror thoughts like a frightened animal feeling.

Like something was a matter of life and death. I felt things being ripped apart. It felt like my heart was being ripped open. It just felt like this.

This ripping.

Experience and how did you work with that in terms of well, Luckily do the?

Love it to death, it was actually too frightening to even bring that in at certain times. I just I just did the focus on flow.

Which is a little more hands-on today little more hands off?

And I knew I was saying so, you just noted it as flow harsh flow, but still flows very again. The Jazz Drummer. That was hitting every drum all at once and I specifically remember a few.

Images image and feel combos that literally.

I thought I was going to die.

An insight space collapsed, I just completely collapsed into raw image field and then.

Let go.

And.

Yeah, do you remember when you 1st called me the?

Conceptual model that I gave you for banca.

The way I talk to you about how it's described in the tradition.

It could be very just purely blissful. It's all champagne bubbles and massage. I mean earlier you were describing this day with full massage. There is that component, yeah, so that for some People it's only bliss it. The whole way. And the dissolution process just sort of.

Gently and blissfully dissolve them like an alka seltzer tablet into the source.

So for some People it's like just Bliss City.

It's pleasant Vibra Tori, and Angela Tori, flow in the body and mind is pretty.

Restful for other People. It's at the other extreme. It's like nothing but the horrific the flow patterns are harsh and jarring and tortuous.

The.

Mental pictures are archetypal and horrific monsters images of death animals eating you up that's exactly what I went through. I went to a Goenka Retreat, 2 years ago in India.

And the meditations were horrific I was an insect being eaten by another insect actually saw that enable I saw this big mouth. Come and crush me consume me because the skeletons of and then I was some animal running for its very life. And this other animal grab. Debian just started ripping my flexion interesting Lee. This this bunga thing is not limited to Buddhist practice.

I just described all over the world, but specifically in shamanic traditions.

All over the world and pre literate cultures. It is not uncommon for the Shamans.

Report animals have to eat them up. Monsters get them, they see their own death. They see the death of all everyone in the world. You know this kind of thing, so there's there can be these horrific images uncomfortable touch and feel and jarring tearing energies and then what happened in talk space did you get irrational?

Talk going on or what sorts of talk would come up. It felt like all the cylinders were firing. It was mostly chaotic feel for me horrible shame and guilt. I felt like I should be.

I should be caught and taken in front of a firing squad and killed like right away. and I would come out of meditation and I would and I would be waiting for someone to torture me and kill me.

So that's the horrific side apartment so for some People it's only blissful that they never get any of that stuff for other People. It's mostly horrific.

For other People, it's a mixture both as both sides to it.

And then actually there's the 4th possibility.

Not everyone on a spiritual path or path to enlightenment passes through a dissolution experience.

It's not a requirement.

Many People do, but not inevitably or it may be so mild that you don't really even think of it in terms of a dissolution.